After Fifty Years

５０年後

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1: 名無し募集中。。。 2012/11/03(土) 22:35:38.23 0

病院で検査結果を聞いた。

予想してはいたものの、いざ告知されるとやはり気持ちが沈む。
医者は再生医療手術で治癒は可能と言うが、費用を聞いて諦めた。
国民健康保険制度があった時代ならいざ知らず、
民間保険会社の掛金を払えない、私のような貧乏人には縁のない話だ。

これでいいのだ。
家族もいない自分がこれ以上生き永らえてもしょうがない。
自らにそう言い聞かせながら、JR中央線で家路につく。

気を紛らわせようと車内の大型モニターでニュースを観ていると、
カタールによるサウジアラビア国家買収交渉のニュースに続いて、
女性アナウンサーが懐かしい名前を口にした。

「本日から1ヶ月間にわたり、中野のハロプロ東京劇場において〈モーニング娘。誕生５０周年記念特別公演〉が行われます。現場の大竹さん？」

お祖父さんに似て騒がしいレポーターが、
あの懐かしい劇場前の広場で生中継レポートを始める。
中野サンプラザ跡地に建てられた立派な専用劇場だ。



そう、私は若い頃モーニング娘。の熱狂的なファンだった。
コンサートやイベントに通い、
途中、心が離れた時期もあったが、結局また戻っていった。
そんな私も初代プロデューサーが引退した時にとうとうファンを卒業した。
別に二代目が嫌いだったわけではないが、
私自身が歳を取ったせいなのか、彼の新しい方針に馴染めなかったのだ。

それからはマスメディアを通じて動向を知る程度になり、
かつてあれほど私の人生を占有していた「娘。」が今ではまるで幻だったようにも思える。
３年前の現プロデューサーの就任もニュースで目にしたに過ぎない。
初の外国人プロデューサーということで世間的な注目は集めたものの、
私の関心は戻らなかった。


「なお、初代プロデューサーで、これまでの舞台芸術への貢献が認められて紫綬褒章授章が先日発表された寺田光男氏も本日夜公演の舞台で挨拶をされるということです。」

モニターに映った寺田氏の近影を見て衝撃を受けた。
８０近いというのに信じられないくらい若く見える。
ひとまわりほど若いはずの自分と変わらない容姿だ。
確かに昔から健康には気を遣う人だったが、
やはり再生医療を受けられる富裕層は違うという事か。

昔からそうだが、不思議とこの人にはやっかみを感じない。
かつての自分をあれほど幸せにしてくれた「娘。」及びハロプロの創始者であるからなのか。
それとも、飲食事業の失敗やカミングアウト騒動、引退後の離婚訴訟など彼の挫折もまたよく知っているからだろうか。
一連の騒動から月日が経ち、最近ではめっきり公の場に姿を現すことは無くなったが、
まだまだどうして元気そうだ。

そんな寺田氏の映像を見ていたら、
私の頭の中で何かのスイッチが入ったような音が聞こえた気がした。
それに促されたかのように、車内に懐古調のアナウンスが流れる。

「トゥギワナカノォ、トゥギワナカノォォオ」



気がつけば私は中野の劇場前広場に立っていた。
推しメンカラーに設定した光学つなぎスーツを着た若いファンがスーツの輝度を調節している。
オフィシャル・ホログラムを投影して、振りの練習をしているグループ。
ファンの様子も昔とは様変わりしている。
私と同年代と思われる者もちらほらいるが、大抵は孫を連れている。

醜く年老い、
長い孤独がもたらす独特の雰囲気を身に纏った自分は甚だ場違いな存在だった。
得も言われぬ寂しさと寄る辺無さに襲われ、いたたまれず踵を返して駅に戻ろうとしたとき、
一人の男に目がとまった。

植え込みの縁石に座る老人。
いまどき見た目だけで年齢はなかなか判らないが、
私よりも年上で相当な古参なのは間違いない。
なぜなら、彼が着ているのは光学スーツでも、有機EL-Tシャツでもない。
色褪せてボロボロになった法被だったからだ。
背中には「安倍なつみ」の文字。

この広場を埋める若いファンの一体どれだけが安倍なつみを知っているのだろう？
歴代メンバーの総数が100人を超えた時点で、
過去メンまで押さえた箱推しDDは絶滅したはずだ。
彼女こそは私の最初の推しメンだった。
彼女の卒業後も私は「娘。」ファンであり続けたが、
自分にとっての「娘。」の原イメージは安倍なつみであったし、
新しいメンバーが加入する度に安倍なつみの影を見出そうとしたものだった。

法被の背中の色褪せたなっちの笑顔を見ている内に私は泣いていた。

嬉し泣きではなく、悲しい涙でもない。
どう言ったらいいのだろう？
何十年も前に音信不通になった実の娘を街で偶然見かけたような、とでも言おうか。
私の心の底にあるうち捨てられた枯れ井戸から、
何かを愛おしく思う感情が突然湧き上がってきたのだ。

もう迷わず私は歩みを進めた。
劇場のチケットカウンターへ。




全席完売。


私はめげなかった。
すぐにスマートデバイスを取り出し、チケットデータの競売市場で価格をチェックする。
久しぶりにこんなことをしている自分が可笑しくて、ついニヤニヤしてしまう。

しかし、自分が現場に参戦していた頃と比べて、
相場が高騰していることに愕然とすることになった。
僅かばかりの年金でギリギリの暮らしをしている自分に簡単に払える額ではない。
３階の糞席でさえ私の１ヶ月分の医療費に相当する。

やっぱりダメか…

諦めかけた私の目に一つのチケットデータがとまった。

【 2階　シニア席　ペアシートG席　即決　入札数０　要シニア医療ID 】

私はシニア席というものがあるのを知らなかった。
少なくとも私がファンを辞めた頃にはそんなカテゴリーは無かった。
おそらく他の普通の劇場のように２階の両サイドに
高齢者やディスエイブル向けの小さいスペースを確保してあるのだろう。

要シニア医療IDという条件付きなので一般席に比べれば幾らか手頃な即決価格だが、ペアチケットなので一枚無駄になってしまう。
開場時間間近で入札数０。

落とせる。

これは文字通り自殺行為のように思えた。
私のクレジット口座からこの額を一回で引き落とせば、
手術費用はおろか延命用ジェネリック薬の代金すら払えなくなってしまう。
逡巡していると、デバイス画面の端に昼公演を見た人のコメントが流れてきた。

「サプライズで２９期OG登場 ( ´ﾉД｀) P発言夜公演もっとOGゲストあるかも」

私は入札をタップした。
即時に私の口座から落札金額が引き落とされ、
チケットデータのダウンロードが始まった。
私は呆然とゲージが徐々に進んでいるのを見つめていた。

「私はなんて馬鹿なことをしたんだろう」

ダウンロードが完了した後も暫く私はその場から動けずにいた。
しかし自動再生されたチケットのガイダンス動画を見て、思わず小躍りしてしまった。
なんとシニア席のG席は2階中央最前だったのだ。

「いい年をして…」と思われるかも知れないが、
自分の衝動的な愚行を正当化してくれるような気がして、少し救われたのだ。

「もう先のことなんて知ったことか。これは冥土の土産だ」

実際そんな気分だった。



興奮した頭を冷やそうと、広場に面した劇場付属のカフェでアイス抹茶ラテを買った。
カップにはイラスト化された歴代のハロメンが１０人ほど描かれている。
私に判別できたのは熊井ちゃんと愛理くらいだったが。

Q.このメンバーたちの共通点は何でしょう？
（答えはカップの底に書いてあります。空カップはゴミ箱へ！）

どうやら事務所の運営も昔より格段と洗練されたようだ。
こういう細かいところまで気を配っていればこそ、
新しいファンを獲得し続けられたのだろう。


抹茶ラテを飲み干してカップの底の答えを読み取ろうと身を引いた時、
先刻の老人が再び視界に入った。
さっきと全く同じ場所に全く同じ格好で座っている。
まさに地蔵のように微動だにしていない。

私は席を立ち上がり、気がつくと彼に話しかけていた。

「こんにちは、夜公演に入られるんですか？」

彼は幽霊でも見たかのような心底びっくりした表情をした。
まるで、もう何年も誰かに話しかけられたことなど無かったかのように。

大分間が開いてから、彼は微かに笑みを浮かべて首を横に振った。

「昼公演はご覧になったんですか？」

彼はまた首を振った。
私は思いきって言ってみた。

「ペアチケットが一席分余ってるんです。よかったら差し上げます」

と言ってデータ送信をするジェスチャーをした。

奇妙なほど長い沈黙の後、
彼は困惑した顔で聞き取れない位の籠もった声と手振りで返してきた。
しばらく訳の分からないやりとりをした後、どうやら彼は喋ることが不自由で、
しかもデバイスを何も持っていないことが判った。

デバイスを何も持っていないというのは驚きだったが、
彼は古いカード式の医療IDを持っていたので、
私は半ば強引に彼を立たせて一緒に入場することにした。
普段は押しの弱い私だが、
「娘。」のこととなると急に積極的になるのもまた懐かしい感覚だった。

法被老人にはほとんど表情が無く、私の申し出に特に感謝している風でも無かった。
別に涙して握手を求められる事を期待していた訳ではなかったが、
私の当面の治療費と引き替えに手に入れたチケットなので、拍子抜けした思いは拭えない。
とは言え、どうせ無駄になるペアチケットの片割れ。
それに何と言っても、彼は昔の私と同じメンバーを推していたようだから、後悔は無い。



入場ゲートの金属探知機が連れの法被老人に大袈裟に反応したが、
体内に医療機器を埋め込んでいることが医療IDで証明されて事無きを得た。

彼がずっと無言なので間が持たず、つい聞いてしまった。

「なっち推しだったんですか？」

老人は一瞬怪訝な顔したが、すぐに無表情に戻り、

「わ、わたしの…大好きな、なっ…ちを、に…会いに、来た…」

と呟いた。

この老人は少々ボケているのかも知れないな、と私は考え始めた。
昼公演のサプライズ・ゲストでさえ29期メンだったという事を考えると、
オリメンが出てくるなんて、到底有り得ない事ではないだろうか。

まぁいい。
何の奇縁か、化石のようななっち推しの老人二人がこの記念すべき公演に参戦するのだ。
場違いだとしてもいいじゃないか。
誰からも忘れられた存在である我々が、今日この場に確かにいるのだから。


しかし、2階入場口の電波遮蔽バリアーを抜けた私は思わず我が目を疑った。　
なんと二階全体がシニア席だったのだ。
二階席を埋め尽くす年老いたファンの大軍。

みな色とりどりのヲタTを着ている。
今はもういないメンバーのTシャツを着た者、
現メンの有機EL-Tを着た猛者、
そこにあるのは昔懐かしいコンサ会場の光景だった。

何も変わらない。
ヲタだけが歳をとっている。
しかし彼らの顔に表れた開演前の高揚感、瞳に宿る興奮はあの頃と同じだ。

私は驚きと喜びのあまり、同意を求めて法被老人を振り返った。
彼はとても落ち着いた穏やかな笑顔を見せていた。
まるで懐かしの我が家に帰って来たかのように。

シートのリーダーにチケットデータを読み取らせ、席に着く。
こんな良席はいつ以来だろう？
私は浮かれモードを抑えられず、身を乗り出して一階席を見渡した。

一階の客層は昔とは似ても似つかないものだった。
見たこともないような応援グッズやファッションの若者で埋め尽くされている。
それが面白くて、初めて現場を踏んだ時の驚きを追体験するかのように、飽きずに眺めていた。
一瞬、その中に知った顔を見た気がした。
勿論それが気のせいだと言うことは分かっている。
彼は５年前に死んだのだから。


客電が落ちると、鈍い起動音とともに２階席全体が遮音フィールドに包まれた。
どうやら音量と音質を高齢者向けに調節してくれるようだ。
後ろを振り返ると意外にも、むしろ当たり前と言うべきか、全員着席している。

ついにコンサートが開演し、オープニング曲が始まった。
それは全く聞いたことのない曲で、
巨大ヴィジョンに次々と映される現メンも誰一人として知らない。
しかしどこか私の知っているあの頃の「娘。」の面影がある。
最新テクノロジーを駆使した舞台セットや衣装は全く違うが、
曲調に初代プロデューサーのテイストが、振付に「娘。」の伝統が脈々と受け継がれている。

コンサートも中盤に差し掛かったとき、やっと馴染みのあるイントロが流れた。

『好きな先輩』

どうやら今公演は３４期のお披露目も兼ねているようだ。
２階席のそこかしこから啜り泣きが聞こえてくる。
見るのが怖くて振り返らなかったが、気持ちは私も一緒だ。
いつだってこの曲のイントロはヲタを「幸せだったあの頃」へ連れ戻してしまうのだ。

MCコーナーが始まり、現プロデューサーが登場。
流暢な日本語で誕生５０周年の記念すべき時にプロデューサーでいられる喜びと責任を述べ、
満場の喝采をもらっていた。

そしてついに初代プロデューサーの登壇だ。
現プロデューサーの少々芝居がかった紹介の後、舞台上手から車椅子に乗ってゆっくり登場した。

万雷の拍手。

意外にも一階の若いファンからも熱狂的に迎えられている。
音を絞ってあるはず二階席からでも、その歓声は耳をつんざくようだった。
二階の古参兵達も精一杯の拍手を送る。

寺田氏はニュース映像よりは、やはり年老いたように見える。
品の良さそうな老婦人が車椅子に寄り添っているが、あれは誰だろう。
氏は離婚以来女性とは再婚していないはずだが。

突然すぐ後ろの席から上がったコールを聞いて、私は気付かなかった自分を恥じた。

「ゆうこ！ゆうこ！ゆうこ！ゆうこ！」

そうだ、ヴィジョンに映し出されたその老婦人は間違いなく初代リーダー中澤裕子だ。
彼女の姿を見るのは何年ぶりだろう。
芸能界を去ってもう大分経つはずだ。

チケットを買った甲斐はあった。
私は心の底からそう思った。
何故なら、彼女は私が応援し始めた頃の「娘。」を体現する人だからだ。
隣の法被老人を見ると、彼も嬉しそうに一生懸命手を叩いていた。
二階席の老兵達は皆何とも言えない感極まった表情をしていた。
無慈悲な照明に晒されたその皺の刻まれた顔は、しかし不思議と若く見える。

「もう死んでもいい」

そんな思いが私の胸をよぎった。


寺田氏のスピーチは思いのほか彼の老いを感じさせるもので少し寂しい気もしたが、
紫綬褒章受章を喜ぶ得意気な彼の笑顔を見ていると、
まるで自分のことのように私も嬉しくなってしまうのだった。

中澤姐さんのスピーチは短いながらも初代リーダーの威厳を感じさせる立派なものだった。
最後に彼女が妙なこと言い出すまでは。

「おそらく私がこの劇場の舞台にこうして立たせて頂くのはこれで最後でしょう。皆さん、私の最後の我が儘を聞いてもらってもいいでしょうか？」

ファンの歓声に気をよくした彼女は続ける。

「私の大切な、大切な仲間達をここに呼ばせて下さい！よろしいでしょうか－？」

その意外な言葉に、私は自分の心臓が誰かに急に掴まれたかのように感じた。
私だけでなく、２階席全体が過度の期待と失望への恐れで一瞬凍り付いたようだった。


舞台上に続々と歴代OG達が姿を現す。
ごく最近の卒業メンバーから始まり、徐々に時を遡っていく。
２５期、２４期、２２期、２１期、１９期、１７期、１６期、１５期。

心臓発作で倒れる者が出るのではないかと、心配になって思わず周りを見回してしまった。
所々に配置された劇場スタッフも心なしか緊張の面持ちだ。

そして遂に私がファンだった時代のメンバーが登場した。
もちろん全員では無い。
不幸にも鬼籍に入ってしまった者もいるし、
海外在住の者、事務所とのトラブルで戻ってこれない者もいる。
決して完璧ではないが、
「娘。」の記念すべき公演に万難を排して馳せ参じたOG達だった。

１４期、１３期、１２期、１１期、１０期、９期。
そしてなんと８期が全員揃っているではないか！
この時勢に日本に来ることは決して簡単なことでは無かっただろうに。
７期はやはり無理だったか…
最強の６期、伝説の５期、そして黄金の４期。

次々と登場する私の「娘。」達。
私の心拍数も危険なまでに早まった。
電波遮蔽バリアーが無ければ、
私の身体に貼られたオブザーバ・チップから発信された危険信号が、
かかりつけ医に届いてしまったかも知れない。

そして、ついに、初期メンたちが舞台に現れた。
まりっぺ、圭ちゃん、カオリン、そして……なっち

永遠とも思える時間だった。
舞台上に彼女がいる。
どれほど歳を取っても、幾度も悪いニュースを聞いても、
変わらず私が全身全霊を捧げた彼女がそこにいる。
彼女の姿を直に見るのは実に３０年ぶりだ。

容色の変化は如何ともし難いが、彼女の雰囲気、口調は、笑えるくらい昔と変わっていない。
だんだんトーンダウンした一階席と対照的に二階席の盛り上がりは尋常ではなかった。

冷酷な時の荒波に耐え抜いた絆がそこにはあった。
このときの２階席全体を覆った恍惚感を表現する言葉を私は知らない。
きっと中には推しが登場しなかった者もいただろう。
しかし、舞台上にあのころの「娘。」がいる。
それだけでも充分すぎる僥倖だった。

陶然とする私を揺り起こすかのように、大音量のイントロが鳴り響く。
私の周囲から悲鳴にも似た呻きがあがり、言葉にならない嗚咽が漏れる。
長年聞かされてきた迷信が現実となる瞬間だ。

この夜、この劇場に集まった３千人近い観衆が全員知っていて盛り上がる曲は、やはりこれしかなかったのだろう。

『LOVEマシーン』

私は横の法被老人が卒倒でもしてやしないかと心配したが、
むしろ彼は先ほど迄とはまるで別人のような活き活きとした表情を見せていた。
なっちの登場が彼の生命の火を再び燃え上がらせたかのようだ。
それにしても彼はどうやって、なっちの登場を事前に知ったのだろうか。
デバイスも無いというのに。

歴代メンバー揃ってのラブマは壮観だった。
さすがにマイクで歌ったり、振りこそ踊らないものの、
体を揺らして楽しそうにしている舞台上の初期メンを見るのは至福の時だった。

本当にこのままここで死んでしまいたいと思った。
病気や苦しい生活のことなど忘れて、
この多幸感に包まれたまま私もこの世から卒業したい。
なっちを見つめながら。



寺田氏とOGが捌けた後のステージは正直よく覚えていない。
５０周年記念の１５０枚目のシングルが往年の寺田氏のディスコ・ファンク路線を彷彿とさせる出来だったことぐらいしか印象はない。

いつの間にかアンコールも終わり、
客電が、魂の抜けた様にぐったりした私を容赦なく照らした。
一階席の若いファンたちはそそくさと光学スーツを消して、素早く出口に向かっている。
半裸で汗を拭く姿も、デオドラントスプレーの煙霧も今は無い。

分かっている。
我々の時代はとうに過ぎ去ったのだ。
今宵のLOVEマシーンはうたかたの夢。
去りゆく老兵に与えられた最後の餞。

横の法被老人はすっかりエネルギーを使い果たしたのか、
膝に肘をついて下を向き、背中で息をしている。
無理もない。
私でさえ命の危険を感じるほどの興奮だったのだから。

そのとき、俄に二階席の奥で誰かが大声で叫びだした。

それが何だったか直ぐには思い出せず、最初はみな戸惑っていたが、
思い出した者から次々と参加しはじめ、最後は私も加わって大きなコールとなった。


「むすぅーーーめ。最高！」

「むすぅーーーめ。最高！」

「むすぅーーーめ。最高！」


帰りかけていた一階席の若いファン達は何が起こったのかと不思議そうに見上げている。
二階席のジジババ達が何か変なことやってるぞとでも言いたげに笑っている者もいる。

しかし、最初は聞き取りずらかった我々のコールを次第に彼らも理解してくれ、
最後には会場全体を包む大コールとなった。

みんなが笑っていた。
あるいは、泣いていた。



５０年前、いちローカル局のバラエティ番組の企画から生まれたモーニング娘。は大勢の予想に反して一躍スターダムに上り詰めた。
その後も何度も解散、消滅の危機を乗り越え、とうとう今日、歌舞伎、宝塚と並んで日本の国民的舞台芸術の一角を占めるようになった。
寺田氏は日本歌謡史上の重要人物だとする評価が定着して久しい。
彼の発明したメンバーの入れ替えが常態化したアイドルグループと言うコンセプトは
日本文化の伝統に則った革新的なアイデアとして世界中に支持者を獲得するに至った。

フランスの文人で政治家のアンドレ・マルローはかつて日本文化を評して言った。
日本人は絶えず刷新、変容することで永遠を手に入れた。日本人はそのことを理解している希有な民族だ、と。

若き者、年老いた者、男、女、日本人、外国人、この５０年という長い間に
「娘。」という唯一の絆の元に交錯していった無数の魂たち。

そのほとんどの魂は今宵ここ中野には来れなかった。
だが、彼らの魂を代表して私は、いや我々はここにいる。

死すべき運命のちっぽけな人間が「娘。ヲタ」という仮の姿を纏い、
情熱のリレーを繋いでいくことで、我々の魂は永遠になったのだ。

モーニング娘。が存続する限り、我々の魂も永遠に生き続けるのだ。





どうやら、会場の熱気に当てられたようだ。
老体に若者の熱情は毒だというのに。
私は興奮を鎮めようと、しばらく席を離れなかった。
法被老人もよほど疲れたのだろう、隣でぐったりと席に沈み込んでいた。

シニア席の客もほぼ捌けた頃、私はようやく席を立った。
いくら声をかけてもまともな返事をしない法被老人に業を煮やし、私は独り会場を後にした。
冷たい夜風が病身に沁みる。

地元の駅から家路をたどる道すがら、
私は有り金のほとんどをチケット代に使ってしまったことを思い、呆然としていた。

後悔はしていない。
後悔はしていないが、
これからどうすべきかを思うと暗澹たる思いに押し潰されそうだ。

医療が受けられなければ、このまま苦しみのたうちまわって死ぬのを待つしかない。
それが自分で選んだ人生なのだ。
そして幸か不幸か私は自分の選択を悔いることが出来ない。
確かに、もう少し利口な生き方もあったのかも知れないが。


すっかり暗い面持ちで部屋に戻った私は、今日処方された薬を飲もうとバッグを開けた。
するとバッグの中に見覚えのないものが入っていた。

いや、見覚えはあるが、そこにあるはずのない物。

無造作に丸まったなっちのマイクロ・ファイバー・タオル。
色褪せた、少しカビの臭いがする、お世辞にも綺麗とは言えない代物だ。
私は当惑した。

確かに自分は昔このタオルを持っていたが、最後に参加したFCツアーで
ヲタ卒するケジメとして同部屋だった人にプレゼントしたはずだ。
なっちに直にサインしてもらった宝物だったので、
人にあげてしまったことを後で何度も後悔したので間違いない。
戸惑いつつ、丸まったタオルを広げてみると、何かが重たい音を立てて床に落ちた。


１０万円札の札束がひとつ。
１千万円はありそうだ。
そしてタオルには見覚えのあるなっちのサイン。

頭の中で、全ての記憶と目の前の事実が轟音を立てて一点に収束する。
私は全てを理解した。


あの法被老人が私のバッグにこれを忍ばせたのだ。
そしてあの老人こそが私がタオルをあげたあのヲタだったのだ。
思い返せば、当時も無口で愛想の無い青年だった。
一体あれから彼に何があったのだろうか？
私よりもずっと若そうだったのに。

続いて記憶の深淵から浮上して来たのは、
私がその時に冗談めかして彼に言った言葉だった。

「ホントだったら１千万積まれても手放したくないんですよ～」

彼は私の軽口を真に受けたのだろうか？
そんなことが？

いずれにしろ彼は今日私が広場で声をかけたとき、すぐに私が誰だか判ったのだろう。
もしかして私にお金を渡そうと、コンサートの度に私を探していたのだろうか？
私はあれ以来３０年も現場からは遠ざかっていたというのに？
遠い昔の自分の何気ない行為が、亡霊のように突然姿を現したことに私は戦慄を覚えた。

次の瞬間、凍りついた部屋の空気を叩き割るように鳴り響いた電話の呼び出し音は、
まるで私の罪を叱責するようで、
私の身体は叱られる子供の様にこわばった。

それは警察からだった。

警察は中野のハロプロ東京劇場で今晩発見された男性遺体と私の関係を問いただし、
私は余ったチケットを見ず知らずの男にあげたことを簡潔に説明した。
警察は彼の医療データを把握しているようで、
自然死と判断した彼らは私に出頭を求めなかった。
身寄りが確認できないので遺体は警察が処理するそうだ。

金のことは黙っておいた。

彼は自分の死期が近いのを知っていたのだろう。
何かを私に託したかったのだろうか？
生き続けて「娘。」を応援しろと？
これは都合の良すぎる解釈かも知れない。
だが、彼の真意が分かる日は永遠に来ないだろう。

疲弊し、混乱しきった私は合成ビール一缶で意識を失った。



翌日私は手術の申し込みをした。
そして３０年ぶりにファンクラブに加入した。
見逃した30年の空白を埋めるべく、
膨大なHD映像アーカイブにアクセスできるスーパーエグゼクティブ会員だ。


私はまだ、死ねない。



(HPW note: Originally this story was posted into several parts. The latest revision on the Japanese version by the author was made in May 2016.)

Translation

1: 名無し募集中。。。 2012/11/03(土) 22:35:38.23 0

I'd got a diagnostic report about my disease at the hospital just a while before. Although it'd been expected, after all, it had made me feel down very much. The doctor had told me that the disease could be cured by regenerative medical surgeries. But I'd given it up as I'd been told how much it would cost. I might be able to take it if it'd been in the days we had had the national health insurance system, but in these days poor people like me couldn't afford to pay that expensive premium to insurance companies. "That's the way it goes in my life. What's the use of living any longer to me who even got no family?" I said to myself trying to console the heartache. I took JR Chuo Line heading for home.

I looked up to a news program on a large screen in the coach to distract myself from worrying. Following a news about the negotiation on Qatar's merger with Saudi Arabia, the anchor woman spoke of a name that's familiar to me. "From today, the series of concerts to commemorate the 50th anniversary of founding Morning Musume is going to be held at the Hello! Project Tokyo Theatre in Nakano for a month. Otake, will you report us more about it from there?" The reporter, very noisy just like his grandfather, started a live reporting at the square in front of the theatre which is magnificently built on the site Nakano Sun Plaza used to be.

Yes. I used to be a huge fan of Morning Musume when I'd been young, going to their concerts and other events since their debut. There actually had been a while I'd lost my interest in Morning Musume, but I had returned to the fandom after all. Finally I absolutely had quit being a fan when the first producer had got retired. Not because I had disliked the successor, probably because I'd got too old to adapt to their new policies. Since then I'd been estranged from Morning Musme only hearing about their activities from the mass media off and on. Now it felt like a dream to me that Morning Musume had once occupied my life that much. I'd got to know that they had taken the current producer 3 years ago, just because the mass media had reported it. It had attracted the public interest that Morning Musume had engaged a non-Japanese for the producer for the very first time, still it hadn't been enough to turn me on again.

The reporter continued, "Furthermore, Mr. Terada Mitsuo, the original producer who was announced a few days ago to be awarded a Purple Ribbon Medal for his great contribution to performing arts, will appear on the stage to make a speech tonight." I was shocked to see his recent photo showed on the screen. He looked unbelievably young despite being around 80, as young as me about twelve years younger than him. I knew he'd been a kind of health nuts since long time ago, still it's probably owing to being wealthy enough to take regenerative medical surgeries. Strangely, I'd never envied him. Maybe because I knew both his glory and failure very well. He's the originator of Morning Musume and Hello! Project which had made me that happy in the past, on the other hand he'd failed in managing restaurants, been suffered from the turmoil over his coming-out and the divorce suit after his retirement. As time had passed since then, he'd rarely appeared in public despite still looking energetic. All at once I felt like something in my head had got turned on by the portrait of Mr. Terada. Then I heard an announcement. "The next stop is Nakano Station. The next stop is Nakano Station."


I found myself standing in the square in front of the theatre in Nakano. There're young fans in optical camouflage overalls, fixed to their favourite member colors, adjusting their brightness. And there's also a group practicing dance to an official hologram movie of choreography. Many things about fans had changed a lot. There I could see some fans in my generation as well, although most of them were accompanied by their grandchildren. I felt like I was uttery out of place here, miserably old, having a peculiar atmosphere which only solitary life of many years could create. As I turned on my heel to go back to the station, being driven by an indescribable desolation and a sense of belonging to nowhere, one man caught my eyes. An old man sitting on a curb stone by a shrubbery, looked pretty older than me, maybe due to a diffrence in our medical environments after all. If he was as old as he looked, he must be quite a veteran fan. He didn't wear an optical camouflage overall nor an organic EL t-shirt, but a faded, ragged, old happi coat with "Abe Natsumi" printed on its back. I wondered how many of these young fans filling the square would have known of Abe Natsumi? I believed "hako-oshi DD" covering all the graduated members in the past must had died out since the total number of the successive members had exceeded 100. However, Abe Natsumi had been my very first bias. I had remained in the fandom even after she'd graduated, still she had ever been the original icon of Morning Musume to me and I hadn't been able to stop trying to find anything similar to her in every new member. Unexpectedly I found myself shedding tears while looking at her faded smiling image on the back of the happi coat. They're not for joy, nor for sorrow. I didn't know how to explain, but it could be just like I happened to see my daughter walking on the street I'd heard nothing from her for long long time. I felt an emotion of cherishing someone springing up from the dried-out well on the bottom of my heart. Now I took a step forward to the ticket counter of the theatre having no more hesitations.


"ALL SEATS SOLD OUT"


I didn't get dipressed. I took my smart device immediately to check auction marketplaces for the latest quotations on the soirée e-tickets. I couldn't stop smirking as I found myself kind of ridiculous doing such a thing for the first time in a while. Then I got astounded to know how drastically market price for the tickets had risen since the days I'd made my sansen in gemba often. It's as expensive as my medical expense for a month to make a successful bid even for a rubbish seat on the 5th floor. Definitely It's not what people like me living on small pensions could affort to buy. That's the way, again. When I was about to give it up, I noticed an article described "A ticket for a paired seats in senior category, G, 2nd floor, Buy it Now, 0 bidders, senior medical ID required". I'd never heard of a category called "senior seats", at least hadn't until I'd quit the fandom. I guessed they'd spare small spaces in the both ends of 2nd floor for disabled or old people just like other average theatres had. It's actually a bit cheaper than standard seats which didn't require senior medical ID, though one of the paired seats would be wasted. The article was gonna be closed soon before the time the theatre to open and still had no bids. I was sure I could get it, still I couldn't decide whether to buy it. It seemed like literally a suicide to make that amount of money to be charged to my bank account in a lump sum, because it would cause me a difficulty to pay even for generic drugs prolonging my life for another month, let alone the surgical operation. Then I saw a related tweet running across the screen of my device. "29th Gen as secret guests in matinée, the producer suggests more other OGs for soirée." I tapped the Buy-it-Now button and instantly it got the payment charged and started pouring the e-ticket data into my device. "How stupid of me to do such a thing!" I groaned. For a while after the download was completed, I wasn't able to do nothing but standing still. Then I jumped for joy finding the seat G of senior category was almost in the middle of the front row on the 2nd floor, as informed by a guide movie which automatically had started. People might said I was acting like a teenager even though I was pretty old. But I actually felt relieved to know it as if it had justified my impulsive folly. "I won't worry about the future anymore. I'm gonna tell about this concert at the Pearly Gates." It was how I felt now, without any feigning.


As I needed to calm down my completely excited emotion, I took a seat in a H!P official café facing the square and had an iced matcha latte. About 10 portraits of current and graduated H!P members were drawn on the paper cup, though I could recognize only Kumai-chan and Airi out of them. "Question: What is a characteristic in common of these members? (You'll see the answer on the bottom of the cup. Thanks for disposing the used cup into trash bins)". I was impressed to see this small amusement printed on the cup, which indicated how sophisticated the Agency had changed, how attentively they'd been trying to entertain the customers and why they'd been able to keep gaining new fans. As I was just about to discover the answer on the bottom of the cup, the old man caught my eyes again.


He's sitting as exactly at the same place in the same position as the first time I saw him. He stayed absolutely still just like a jizo. I left my seat and talked to him almost automatically "Hi, Are you gonna join the soirée?" He looked truly being surprised as if he'd just seen a ghost or something, or just like being spoken to by others for the first time in many years. He took a while before he shook his head smiling slightly. "Then, have you joined the matinée?" I asked. He just shook his head again. I dared to offer him "If you don't mind, I'd like you to take one of a paired seats I have" making a gesture of transmitting a ticket data with a smart device. After a long silence like an eternity, he answered with some obscure gestures and a perplexed expression on his face. Only after a sequence of unsuccessful communications, I got able to understand that he had difficulty to speak and didn't have any smart devices. Having no smart device was simply unbelievable to me, but he had an old-fashioned medical ID card and it assured me and prompted me to make him stand up and take him to the entrance gate of the theatre. That's another nostalgic feeling that I could turn an active person only when it comes to Musume related stuffs even though I was kinda passive usually. The old man in happi coat didn't seem so much grateful to my offer displaying few expressions. I hadn't expected him to cry for joy and beg me to shake hands with. But honestly, I was a bit disappointed with his reaction to my offer of the ticket which I'd got in exchange for my immediate budget for medical treatments. Still, it's all right with me, because the ticket had been going to be wasted anyway, moreover he seemed to be biased in favor of the same member as I used to.

Although the metal detector of the gate had reacted excessively to the happi old man, his medical ID card proved that some artificial organs had been implanted in his body. Since he'd been silent all the way, I dared to ask him to break the ice "Were you a Nacchi-biased?". He murmured with no particular expression "I... came here... to see... Na...cchi". I was regarding him bit snile. Considering the fact that they had only 29th Gen for the unexpected guests in the matinée, having the original members as guests would even make the young audience troubled to identify them. Anyway, wouldn't it be nice that these two of veterans, as old as fossils, were joining this memorable concert by an odd twist of fate? It didn't matter how terribly we would be out of place there. The significant thing was, we who had been completely forgotten by the fandom were actually being here at this moment.

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the scene right after going through the radiowave barrier at a door to the 2nd floor. I'd never thought the whole 2nd foor was of senior category, but it was. It's occupied with a big army of old veterans in colorful wota tees. Some of them were in tees of graduated members, some brave ones were putting on organic EL tees of current members. It's exactly the same good old concert scene as I used to see. Nothing seemed to have changed except for these wotas themselves who'd got pretty old. The uplifting feeling expressed in their faces while awaiting for the opening of the show and the genuine excitement I could see in their eyes reminded me of those good old days. I was surprised and pleased so much to see the same old scene once again that I turned my head for a sympathy of the happi old man. He was smiling very peacefully, as if he'd come back in his old sweet home. We took the seats as soon as I let the reader of the seat to read my ticket data from my device. I wondered when was the last time I'd taken such a good seat. I couldn't help putting myself in ukare mode and leaning out of the safty fence to look over the 1st floor. The scene of the 1st floor was something completely different from what I'd been familiar with. it's crowded to capacity with young fans equipping themselves with cheering goods and outfits which I'd never seen before. I didn't get tired of watching them. For a moment, I seemed to find a face I'd known very well among them, although I knew it's only my mistake. Since he'd died 5 years ago.


As soon as the lightings got turned off, I heard a dull low sound of the noise cancelling field being activated to envelope the whole 2nd floor, which seemed to reduce the volume for the seniors. As I glanced back, all the senior audience were sensibly seated. At length, the current Morning Musume started to perform an opening tune. I'd never heard of the song nor known any member I could see their faces in the huge screen above the stage. And the stage set and their outfits designed with cutting-edge technologies were also quite unfamiliar to me, still they had an atomosphere and some features of the old Musume I'd supported once before. I could see their choreograpy inherting Musume's tradition and their songs reflecting the first producer's taste. As they're approaching the middle of the concert, finally they played an introduction part of a song I was very familiar with. Suki na Senpai (The Superior I Love). It seemed like the debut performance by 34th Gen. Then I also heard many fans on the 2nd floor sobbing here and there. I could totally sympathize with how they're feeling, so that I was scared of looking back to face myselves sobbing all over the 2nd floor.

Next, the current producer showed up on the stage. He made a speech in fluent Japanese expressing how he took it honorable and also responsible to be the producer in the year of celebrating the 50th anniversary of Morning Musume's foundation. The whole theatre broke into loud cheers. At last we welcomed the first producer to the stage. Soon after the current producer introduced the original in a bit theatrical manner, he appeared slowly from the right end of the stage sitting on a wheelchair. He drew a thunderous applause. Unexpectedly the young fans on the 1st floor were greeting him with an enthusiastic applause. That deafening cheers even neutralized the volume reducer which had been protecting the 2nd floor. The veterans on the 2nd floor were also showering a biggest applause on him as a matter of course. Mr. Terada in fact looked older than he looked in news footages. Who is that graceful old lady pushing the wheelchair? I'd never heard of any woman he'd married to since the divorce. Then, I got really ashamed of myself for not knowing who she was until I heard a chant arising from right behind. "Yuko! Yuko! Yuko! Yuko!" That's right. That old lady I was seeing in the screen now was none other than Nakazawa Yuko, the first leader of Morning Musume. It had been many years since I saw her last, and it must had been also long time since she had left show business. The concert was worth that expensive ticket price, I really thought so. Because she's the one who had represented the Musume of those old days when I'd got fascinated with. As I looked at the happi old man sitting next to me, he's smiling and crapping his hands very hard. And I saw all the veterans on the 2nd floor showing how deeply they'd been moved in their faces. Their wrinkled faces exposed to the merciless lighting from above still looked young somehow. "I wouldn't care if I died now", the thought ran through my mind.

It was kind of sad that Mr. Terada's faltering speech had reminded me of the stern reality that he was pretty much aged. However, when he talked happily and proudly about the Purple Ribbon Medal he's gonna receive in a couple of days, I couldn't help but empathize him as if it happened to me. The following speech by Nakazawa was brief but a praiseworthy one having the dignity of the first leader. Then she added a curious passage to the end of the speech. "Probably this will be the last time for me to appear on the stage of this theatre. So may I ask your favor to grant some selfish request of mine?" Cheers of the audience's approval allowed her to continue. "I'd like to call some precious friends of mine. May I call them here?" I hold my breath. I felt the whole 2nd floor had frozen with an excessive expectation and a fear of getting disappointed.

The successive former members were showing up on the stage one by one. It began with recently-graduated menbers and went up the timeline for its source, like 25th, 24th, 22nd, 21st, 19th, 17th, 16th and 15th Gen. I looked around in spite of myself worrying some might collapse from heart attack. Although It might be just my fancy, all the security staff in the 2nd floor seemed to be getting nervous. Eventually the members of the eras in which I'd been in the fandom were appearing. Reasonably it was not all of them, some of them had already passed away, some of them lived abroad and some weren't allowed to come due to the troubles they had had with the Agency. It's no perfect, but those graduated members had managed to join this memorable concert of Musume in spite of all difficulties. 14th Gen, 13th Gen, 12th Gen the Glorious, 11th Gen, 10th Gen and 9th Gen the Restorer. And OMG, who could have expected to see all the 8th Gen members reunited! I was sure it must have been quite hard to come to Japan despite of today's international political situation. On the other hand, there's no 7th Gen after all. And it continued to 6th Gen the Greatest, 5th Gen the Legendary and 4th Gen the Golden. The Musumes once I loved kept coming up one after another. My heartbeat became as dangerously rapid as the observing chip implanted in my body might send a warning signal to my doctor if there's no radiowave barrier. And finally, at last, in the end, the members of the Primary Era were appearing, they're Marippe, Kei-chan, Kaorin and -----Nacchi.


That moment seemed like an eternity to me. It was the first time for me in the past 30 years to see her live on stage. No matter how old she'd got, no matter how many times I'd heard bad news about her, she had always been my bias I had devoted all myself to support. Yes, there she was. Even though she had changed in appearance a lot, her atmosphere and the way she talks hadn't changed at all. The rapture in the 2nd floor was just incredible in contrast to the 1st floor where the audience had calmed down a bit. Here I recognized a strong bond that had survived the cruel vicissitudes of life. I didn't know any words which could describe the euphoria shared by all the fans on the 2nd floor right now. Probably there must be some fans who's biases hadn't appeared, but still they're now having "the Musume" of the old days on the stage. And it's nothing but a stroke of luck.

An introduction part of another song with loud volume drew thick voices like screams from us, or groanings which couldn't come out as words. The very moment the prophecy we'd been talking about for many years finally came true. Tonight, for those nearly three thousand audience gathered in this theatre, no song could be suitable that perfectly to get the party started, other than Love Machine. I was afraid that the happi old man might gonna get fainted, but in fact, he rather seemed totally lively much more than a little while before. It seemed just like the appearance of Nacchi had relighted a fire in his soul. Even so, It still made me wonder how he had got to know in advance that Nacchi had been supposed to appear on the stage tonight even without a smart device. It was a magnificent view: all the successive members performing Love Machine together. Even though the primary members didn't sing with their own microphones nor dance, watching them swinging and enjoying the concert was a celestial bliss to me. I really wished to die right away. To be liberated of all the sufferings from the disease and the hard life, I really wanted to graduate from the world embracing the euphoria staring at Nacchi.


To be honest, I didn't really remember the concert after Mr. Terada and the graduated members had gone out. All I could recall was their 150th single commemorating the 50th anniversary had sounded a bit like some old songs in Mr. Terada's disco taste. As the encore had ended the lightings, having no mercy, revealed me being completely exhausted like a dead. On the 1st floor, the young fans turned off their optical camouflage overalls and were heading for the exits quickly. I didn't see any of them half-naked wiping off their sweat nor using deodorant sprays. I knew that our days had gone by already, and tonight's Love Machine was only a dream as ephemeral as bubbles floating on water, or was just a farewell gift for the veterans to fade away. The happi old man were breathing hard, putting his hand on his knees and facing down, as if he had consumed all his energy. I thought it's quite natural for him, because even I had been in fear of my life in that exciting concert. Then, suddenly someone in the back of the 2nd floor started a chant in a loud voice. Everybody got bewildered for they couldn't remember what it was at once. And they recalled it and joined in the chant one by one eventually into a big chant.

"Musuuume saikō! Musuuume saikō! Musuuume saikō!"

The young fans being about to leave the auditorium looked up for the upper floor wondering what's happening. Some of them were laughing as if they're thinking the grandpas on the 2nd floor were doing something weird. But they began to join us as they understood what we're shouting and eventually brought it to a great chant involving the entire house. Everybody in the theatre was smiling, or crying.



50 years ago, Morning Musume had been formed in a variety show on a local TV station. Contrary to all expectations, they had rapidly risen to stardom. After that they had managed to come through several crisises of break-up or dying out, and today at last, they had become to one of Japan's national performing arts along with Kabuki and Takarazuka. The evaluation of Mr. Terada as an important person in the popular musical history of Japan had long been established. His concept of an idol group with continuous replacement of its members had been accepted as the innovative idea based on the traditions of Japanese culture and had won supports all over the world. André Malraux, a French novelist and a politician, had once commented on Japanese culture that Japanese had been the rare people who had known how to aquire an immortality by continuous reforming and transforming. The young and the old, men and women, Japanese and non-Japanese, all those innumerable anonymous souls had interacted sharing the only bond "Musume" during the past 50 years. Most of those souls couldn't have come to Nakano this evening. In a way I was, no, we were here on behalf of those souls. Musume wotas, as the temporary appearances of those insignificant mortal human beings, had kept handing on the torch of enthusiasm, and only that relay has enabled our souls to acquire the immortality. As long as Morning Musume exists, our souls will stay alive.



I seemed to have been infected with the excitement of the audience, since green passion is a poison to old men. I remained in my seat for a while to recover from my agitation. The happi old man semmed so exhausted that he sunk limply into his seat. Finally I left the seat after almost all senior audience had left the floor, leaving the happi old man behind since he had never answered my repeated calls. I got out of the theatre and I exposed my invalid body to a biting cold night breeze. On my way to my home from the local railway station, I was being appalled at the thought of that I'd spent almost all my money on the ticket. I didn't regret it. I couldn't regret it, however, I was almost overwhelmed with the gloomy concern how I should do from now on. I would have no choice but to die thrashing around in pains if I couldn't get any medical treatment. I know that's what I'd choosen, and didn't know why I can't repent of my choices as ever. Although there could have been smarter choices.

As I came back home in a totally gloomy mood, I opened my bag to look for the medicines my doctor had prescribed me today. Then I found something unfamiliar in my bag. No. I could recognize it, but it's something that couldn't be there. It was a microfiber towel crumpled up into a ball heedlessly. It's faded, a bit moldy stuff which you could never describe clean. I got confused. I remembered I used to own the towel and I had given it to a guy who had shared a room with me in my last FC bus tour which I had participated to emphasize my graduation from the fandam. The towel had been a kind of my treasure that I'd asked directly to Nacchi for her signature on it. I'd never forgot about the towel because I had been regretting giving it away ever since then. As I got to unfold the towel while being puzzled, something fell to the floor with a thud. Ten wads of 10,000-yen notes, seemd likely to come to about ten million yen altogether. And I recognized that familiar signature by Nacchi on the towel in my hand. At the same time, in my head, all my memories and all the facts happened before my eyes started to converge towards a point. Then I got the point completely.


That happi old man was the one who had put the towel in my bag secretly and also the reticent wota whom I'd given the towel. What had happened to him since then? He had looked much younger than I back then. A silly saying of mine surfaced rapidly from the abyss of my memories, "Normally, I wouldn't sell this towel even for ten million yen, though". He'd took my nonsense seriously? Could such a thing happen? Anyway, he must have known who I was as soon as I talked to him at the square. Was it possible that he'd been waiting for me to pay the price for the towel at every Morning Musume concert since then, even though I'd been away from gemba for more than 30 years? I couldn't help shuddering with an awe to see one casual behavior at a distant time in the past had suddenly come around just like a phantom. At the very moment I was realizing so, a calling beep of my phone frightened me as if it's blaming my sin. It's from the police.

The police asked me about the relationship between I and the man who had been found dead at the H!P Tokyo Theatre in Nakano tonight, and I explained them concisely how I'd given an extra ticket to a total stranger. The police seemed to have grasped his medical data and concluded he had died a natural death, and they didn't require me to appear. Since they couldn't find any relatives and any acquaintances of him, they're going to dispose the body themselves. I didn't told them anything about the money. I supposed he must have known he's gonna die soon. Did he want to entrust something to me? To keep alive and supporting Musume? It might be a too much convenient interpretation for me. But, who knows the truth? His real intention would never be revealed forever. I got totally confused and exhausted to try to figure out what had happend tonight, so that I lost consciousness immediately with just one canned synthetic beer.


On the following day I booked the regenerative medical surgery, and joined the fan club after 30 years' absence, as a super-executive member priviledged to access to the massive HD video archive which would help me to fill the blank over 30 years in the history of Morning Musume I'd missed. I can't die yet.

(HPW note: The wota who wrote this story hopes it to be modified for the better by someone else, and I hope my rough translation to be revised for the better by someone else as well.)

source: http://hayabusa3.2ch.net/test/read.cgi/morningcoffee/1351949738/